A couple of aliens land on Earth. They waddle over to a gas station and begin
talking to a gas pump. "Take me to your leader," one tells the pump.
Of course, the pump doesn't answer. The alien tries again. "Take me to your
leader." Still no response. The alien starts to get mad. "Didn't u hear me? I
said take me to your leader!!" When the pump still gives no reply, the alien
threatens, "If you don't talk to me, I'll shoot you with my laser gun."
The pump ignores the threat, and so the alien pulls out his gun. His companion
tells him, "Can u hold on while I go around the block?" The first alien is
confused, but waits until his friend walks down the block.
ZAP!!! The alien shoots the gas tank and BOOM!!! the whole gas station explodes.
The alien is thrown back a block, to where his partner is. He asks his friend, "If u
knew that was going to happen, why didn't you tell me?"
The second alien responds, "Well, I wasn't sure anything was going to
happen, but there was no way I was messing with a guy who can wrap his dick around himself
once, pull it over his shoulder and have enough to tuck over his ear!"
20 WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR PUBLIC BATHROOM STALL NEIGHBORS
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I
borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh ... I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily
function noise.
4. Say, "Damn! This water's cold!"
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm ... I've never seen THAT color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a canteloupe into the
toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did THAT get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting ... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper
and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops! Could you
kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr.Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over
your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and
splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo
you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn! I knew that drain hole was a little too small. NOW what am
I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent
stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see
your neighbor and say, "Peek-A-Boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born
Free".
I've been a betting man all my life, but not very lucky. I have talked to people
who say they get a SIGN of some kind before they bet on anything. A SIGN...like a house
number, or road number, etc.
Well, today was my lucky day, I guess. My alarm clock was set for 7 a.m., and it
went off at 4.....buzzed 4 times and shut itself off. I got up, took a shower that lasted
4 minutes, fixed myself a bowl of cereal....only 4 ounces of milk left in the jug.
I said....this must be my SIGN. So, I called a cab to take me to the horse
track. Cab #4 arrived at 11:04 a.m. I told the driver I was going to the race track. He
took me down 4th Avenue, and stopped at gate . He said the fare was $4.00. I was just in
time for race #4. I went to the betting window, and was 4th in line at window #4.
I bet $444.00 on horse #4 and sure enough... the son-of-a-***** came in 4th.
