A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing
in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has
left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the machine. "I just need one copy."
Note: All you armchair flyboys may want to pay particular attention to entry #3!
"Darwin Award" Nominee
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person
who did the gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily
stupid way. Last year's was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over
top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And this year's winner is:
#1. The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage
resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was
unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had
happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take
Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes
an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy
Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached
the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site.
This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The
JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing
the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an
additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog- fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically
causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles
(15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the
tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an
additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a
blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of
bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were
removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
And Now for this year's Runner Up's:
#2. This one needs an intro, so you won't get lost at the beginning.
This man was in an accident at home so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance
company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information for
block number 3 on the accident reporting form. I put 'Poor Planning' as the cause of my
accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the
following detail will be sufficient."I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of
the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had
completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower,
brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now
un-needed tools and material down by had, I decided to lower the items down in a small
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
"Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the
tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in
block 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a
rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level,
I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. "Fortunately, by this time, I had
regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and
the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now
weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you
might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the
40 foot level I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and
the lacerations of the legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough
to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools. Fortunately, only three vertebra
were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable
to stand, and unable to move, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost
my presence of mind and let go of the rope."
And once again, the evolutionary train takes a brief detour.......
#3. Here's the (another) winner: Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have
actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, as hard as you may find it
to believe . . . Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he
graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he left the service, he had to
satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over
his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.
Then one day, Larry had an idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy surplus store and
bought forty-five weather balloons, and several tanks of helium. These were not your
brightly colored party balloons; these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four
feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the
balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your back yard. He anchored the
chair to the bumper of his jeep (of course he had to have a 4X4), and inflated the
balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks, and a loaded BB gun,
figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to return to earth. His preparations
complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float
into the sky, and eventually back to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that
way. When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a
cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he finally
leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly breath yet could not
risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience
flying. So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss about
how to get down. Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles
International Airport. A commercial pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn
chair at eleven thousand feet, with a gun in his lap . . . now there's a conversation I
would have given anything to have heard! LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that
at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began
drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him, but
the rescue team had a hard time getting to him because the draft from their rotors kept
pushing his home-made contraption farther and farther away. Eventually, they were able to
hover above him and drop a rescue line, with which they gradually hauled him back to
safety. As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was led away in
handcuffs, a television reported called out, "Sir, why'd you do it?" Larry
stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around!"
Just a line to say I'm living,
And I'm not among the dead.
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head.
I got used to my arthritis
To my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals,
But God I miss my mind!
For sometimes I can't remember
When I stand on the bottom stair,
If I must go up for something
Or have I just come down from there.
My poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put food away or,
Have I come to take some out?
And there's times when it is dark
With my nightcap on my head
Don't know if i'm retiring or
Just getting out of bed.
So, if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need for getting sore.
I may think that I have written and
Don't want to be a bore.
So, remember that I miss you
And wish that you were near,
But for now it's nearly mail time
So I'll bid you good-bye,
Now I'm standing by the mail box
With my face a brilliant red.
Instead of sending you the letter,
I have opened it instead.
[ Bar Jokes 2 ] [ Bar Jokes 3 ]
